Note: I do not mean “boss” as slang. I am not some B grade rapper.
I mean boss in its literal sense. A boss is effing busy, no? I am boss to some, and my days are cra cra. So when a boss has to act as a host to friends, family or coworkers during the holidaze, things can get really chaotic. Tantrums can get thrown, schedules fall apart, speeding tickets can get handed out, and one is left with no other solution than to buy some tragic three day old shrimp cocktail package from Sam’s Club.
Here is some soapbox advice for my boss b*tches: you are a boss because you do not compromise quality. You are a leader. Therefore, you should dress as a leader, behave as a leader, date as a leader, and friggin entertain like a leader. Don’t dress like an a-hole. Don’t get hammered in front of disproving audiences. Don’t bring around some lame significant other with an attitude (in fact, dump him. Merry Christmas, I just saved you $ on a present). But most importantly: DON’T BE A CHEAP, ILL-PREPARED D*PSHIT WHEN YOU ARE HOSTING.
When in doubt, think WWAD: What Would Anna Do. As Chief Editor of Vogue, Anna Wintour is THE boss. I mean look at her. She is dressed like the ultimate glam holiday b*tch with that fur collar, pop of red, and those layered necklaces. I die. But more importantly, I KNOW that the devil may wear Prada, but she ain’t hitting up Costco after work when she entertains. My God, that would mean the end of my world as I know it.
Anna definitely farms out her catering and has some trembling, verbally-abused intern oversee it. But believe me: the outcome is amazing and looks homemade because she probably had a Michelin star-winning chef at her house making it. Unless you are that baller status (you’re probably not), you should make at least something on your own, and have some variety. Depending on the guest size, I’d have one dip or cheese plate, one stackable finger food, one cookie or desert item, and one signature boss dish. Make your standout signature item. It shows you give a sh*t. Here is a small cheat sheet on how to fake the rest (if you must):
Guacamole and chips from Las Delicias: Many Memphis grocers (Miss Cordelia’s, select Krogers, Fresh Market to name a few) carry this local brand. It is amazing and very fresh, and the chips are like crack.
Asiago and artichoke dip from Amerigo: You will have to call this in and tell them how many you are feeding. Make sure you request plenty of the toasted focaccia bread, too. So darn good, and so unique.
Cheeses from Lucchesi’s Ravioli and Pasta Company: Located on Sanderlin, this place has been an entertaining staple for east Memphis for years. Click here! They have a page on their site that pairs wine with available cheeses. It’s just that easy.
(You will still have to put forth minimum effort of construction. Get the eff over it, lazy.)
Smoked salmon and crackers from Whole Foods: Grab a box of entertaining crackers, a small tub of sour cream, a package of smoked salmon and some fresh dill. Tear small pieces of salmon and place on crackers. Then add a tiny dollop of sour cream. Top with a small top of fresh dill. Now go take a nap because that was so tough.
Tom’s Tiny Kitchen pimento cheese on crackers with bacon crumble from Kroger: It is CRUCIAL you use Tom’s Tiny Kitchen pimento cheese, available at Kroger. It is by far the best and can be passed off as homemade. Spread that on a cracker and top with REAL bacon crumbles.
Fancy- Ass caviar and pumpernickel stack from Fresh Market: Fresh Market is running a special on their caviar. They ALSO have bite-sized pumpernickel loafs by the entertaining crackers. Spread sour cream on a piece of pumpernickel then spoon a tiny bit of caviar atop that. Garnish with dill and serve with champagne, and that’s a panty dropper.
Seasonal chocolates from Phillip Ashley’s Chocolates: Click here for hommie’s website. This shiz is the real deal. It also makes a great host(ess) gift. He is located on Cooper in the Cooper/Young District.
Ooey Gooey cookies from Lucchesi’s Ravioli and Pasta Company: Again, this place is a no-brainer for entertaining. These cookies are a hit every single time.
Boss Standout Item:
This is where you become creative or at the very least show some damn ingenuity. Pick up a 4Memphis or click here and check the recipe section (shameless plug). See this tasty galette? Click here to learn how to make it. It’s super easy. You can even cheat by purchasing a roll-out pie dough and it will still be amazing. I made this one with fig, cranberry and orange marmalade. I also salted the rim and added pecans. This satisfied both sweet tooths and savory fans alike.
Your standout item should also be easy to serve and should not be messy. No one wants something spilled on their silk. It is probable that they are juggling their plate and a cocktail, too. Something that can be divided easily and creates little “goo” is ideal. NOTE: if guests are not seated, chili and soups are not a wise choice.
In addition, have ample red and white wine as well as one signature cocktail. The cocktail can be as easy as champagne with a splash of St. Germaine, cranberry juice and a sugar cube. Sound expensive? It can be, so if you can’t afford to do it right, don’t effing host. duh.
Ho Ho Ho