You Little Tart

When Tart in Memphis started their weird marketing mail-out of “hey, this is what we are trying to pull off, so mail us a check” came across my editors’ desk, I quickly dismissed this bakery/bistro as a fanciful whim of some broke midtown hippie. Months later, Tart is now here and I’m eating my French-baked words.

Ok, not to sound like a geographic broken record, but this joint is in Cooper Young. Reacting on the enthusiastic two-thumbs-up from Chef Kelly English, I swung into Tart for an early lunch today. The place already wins points because of the amazeballs shaded patio with cute retro furniture. Inside, I waddled right up to the counter (counter service) and ordered a latte. Now lemme learn you something about me: I am super persnickety about my lattes. However, this barista was pretty good, so check. Plus, the counter looked crazy good. Check plus.

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I moved outside to check emails and enjoy the beautiful weather that Memphians can only enjoy for 2 weeks between frigid rain and hellfire. Then along came Heather, part owner, to spark conversation (I was actually in work clothes and that never happens. I guess she thought I looked official.). First, I commented on how amazing the croissants look. She promptly brought me one with butter and jam. Whoa: they are “don’t-slap-momma-she’s-your-momma-so-slap-your-boyfriend” good. I mean check this pastry out:

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So I gobbled that shiz right up, then I promptly called my lunch appointment and had him meet me at Tart. But not for more carbs. They have an “After 11 AM” menu:

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While I waited, owner Heather explained to me that every month Tart will feature a select local artist or artists and basically let them turn part of the inside into their own weird artistic playground. The wall is currently occupied with some very young and modern artistic interpretation of literature and the moral implications print media has on our psyche (OK, I made that analysis up because I know zero about art and, frankly, the artists I know are batsh!t cra). However the concept is great, and it allows otherwise broke and underexposed creatives to get their work out there.

When it got time to order, I got the Niçoise salad and my bud got the Croquet Monsieur. Because I’m a food enthusiast (glutton), I also wanted to try the salmon rillette. So we got it as an appetizer. It was a great call. Everything was a perfect nod to Parisian cafe cuisine. AND they serve the menu until dinner with a $10 CORKAGE FEE. BOOOOM. Because who wouldn’t want to sit out here, eat sexy cafe food, enjoy local art, and drink your own wine? A communist, that’s who:

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Reorganize and Regroup

Memphis in May’ers everywhere have hit the proverbial brick wall: it is back to reality, sans music-ing, bbq-ing, and binge drinking excitement. If you are like me, there is a to-do list a mile long and clothes mounds stacked like a Kardashian backside ready to be organized. As I have previously mentioned, I moved to a new home in Midtown, and right in the crux of organizing my boudoir, the Grizzlies mania and Memphis in May prohibited me from doing anything but drinking beers at the forum, yelling obscenities at the opposing bench, and generally wandering around lucidly in downtown Memphis.

NOTE: Yes, I said boudoir. Every girl should have one. For you novices, this is a room completely dedicated to clothes, accessories, and other girl shiz that makes my little world go ’round. I saved this room for last, because I have more frilly garments and sparkly shoes than a Miami drag queen, and it was going to take some time and strategic planning to get ‘er done.

As it is Spring, it is also an appropriate time to be cleaning out shiz and regrouping. So I have gone in and full-force overhauled my wardrobe, accessories, and even makeup and hair products. The end result is AMAZE! I have everything in plain sight, all coordinated, and easily moved. However, I could not have done it without these helpful gadgets (and an eff-ton of vodka):

 

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Racks on Racks on Racks
Get a good Z-Rack (or clothes rack) at Target. Mine were $61.99 ea.

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MORE racks on racks on racks: I can get roughly 50 pairs of heels on this beeyotch. $79.99 at Target

This little doo-woop jewelry organizing tree is from Anthropolgie and is nearly $100. However, you can find some knock-offs at Hobby Lobby.

This little doo-woop jewelry organizing tree is from Anthropolgie and is nearly $100. However, you can find some knock-offs at Hobby Lobby.

While you're at Hobby Lobby, pick up a cork board and some push pins. I hang longer necklaces from these, and they work great.

While you’re at Hobby Lobby, pick up a cork board and some push pins. I hang longer necklaces from these, and they work great.

You just Google "animal print ottoman" and see whatcha get. They double for storage! I think cow hide print is chic. I sit on mine while I do hair and makeup in the mirror.

You just Google “animal print ottoman” and see whatcha get. They double for storage! I think cow hide print is chic. I sit on mine while I do hair and makeup in the mirror.

Got an inherited serving platter from Momma or one you never use from your wedding? Keep perfume and hair and face goo on it, Putting products on it will encourage you to put stuff in its rightful yet easily accessible place and not strewn all over your bathroom counter.

Got an inherited serving platter from Momma or one you never use from your wedding? Keep perfume and hair and face goo on it, Putting products on it will encourage you to put stuff in its rightful yet easily accessible place and not strewn all over your bathroom counter.

These are all great things to have to get yo a$% started in organizing. Time to take back that space now deemed a “Man Cave,” ladies, and construct your “Bitch’s Boudoir”.

 

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I just love the heck out of this idea: promoting the youth of tha M to read AND get the eff outside. These “Little Libraries” are speckled throughout midtown. This one in particular is on Cox close to Harbert. All are products of the homeowners who, in my opinion, are either amazing or pedophiles.

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Warm and Snuggly

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Met Gala Massacre

Despite being sick and swamped with work, I really feel it would be just wrong to ignore what happened last night at the annual Met Gala. Lest you have been under a rock for years, you know the Met Gala is the  benefit for the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute and serves as an opening celebration for the institute’s annual fashion exhibit. This year’s exhibit features the work of Charles James, whose beautiful designs are revered for their structure, cutting, and old-Hollywood glamor, even nearly four decades after his death.

Traditionally, the theme for the Met Gala is whatever the exhibit features. Therefore, it would only make sense for celebrities and attendees to wear sensationalized high-structured gowns with over-the-top old-Hollywood glam tones. Alas, I am referring to the 2014 Met Gala as a Massacre because guests either killed it or should murder their stylists. Now I understand that this is a CUSTUME affair, but let me be clear in my criticisms: costumed to wow- great; costumed to shock and horror- sad. Sure, you can take a swing for the fences like SJP in her Oscar de la Renta and I will commend you (despite the trashy red signature on the train). But I fear no Beygency when I say that Beyoncé was TRAGIC in her Givenchy. You have a juicy butt and good stems, Beyoncé. I get it. I get you have a pension for all kinds of bad girl sexual innuendo. However, her disaster of a look transcends urban chic or even classic ghetto and  bee bops over to the skank side. I mean, side boob, cleavage, a*$, and thighs? Jay-Z must not have much of an imagination. I refuse to even post the photo because I miss good girl Bey.

However, let me post some who NAILED it, because of theme, glamour, or chicness.

Zac Posen dressed these ladies like a boss:

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Ditta von Teese exemplifies Hollywood glam.

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Liu Wen looks like a Cinderella-meets-Mulan princess.

And these gals rocked it in Oscar de la Renta:

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Amy Adams

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Claire Danes

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Would like more if the following occurred:
1: Pink lip
2: Taylor Swift were anyone but Taylor effing Swift

I mean, Google Charles James. Just do it. These ladies kicked that theme’s a*$.

Here are some other goodies:

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Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds in Gucci

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Emma Stone in Thakoon

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Emily Rossum in Carolina Herrera

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Hayden Panettiere in Dennis Basso

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Karolina Kurkova in Marchesa and an eff ton of Harry Winston diamonds

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Suki Waterhouse in Burberry

Those were MY favorite. And while there were other notables (Olivia Munn and Joan Smalls, for example), these women dressed for the party and look vintage glam. Sexy is NEVER looking like you tried too hard.

Now on to girls who tried too hard and embarrassed themselves royally:

Kate. Upton. Make. It. Stop.

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Kate Upton in Dolce: I have no words.

Somewhere Johnny Weir is just realizing he is missing an ice dancing costume. No worries, another wacky Olsen tried to dress herself.

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Elizabeth Olsen in Miu Miu

Oh how the mighty have fallen. Shame on you, Lupita.

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Lupita Nyong’o in Prada

The dress is blah, but the horrible Botox and filler just makes me sad. I bet V is sad, too.. her face is just too frozen to tell.

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Victoria Beckham in her own design.

W. T. F. Who invited Liza Minnelli, and why is she wrapped in orange bed linens?!

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Solange in Philip Lim

Again, I always commend risk takers. And I applaud the fact that I did not have to see Miley on a red carpet in some teddy bear or bondage garbage. However, generally speaking, I hope Met Gala 2015 provides an edgier theme that does not borderline a Jessica McClintock storefront.

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